Let's Risk the Ocean

It’s Your love that we adore.
It’s like a sea without a shore.
We're lost in you.
We're lost in you.
It’s Your love that we adore.
It’s like a sea without a shore.Don’t be afraid.
Don’t be afraid.
Just set your sail.
And risk the ocean there’s only grace.
Let’s risk the ocean there’s only grace.
Let’s risk the ocean there’s only grace.
Where you go we will follow.
I'm on my knees.
Where you go we will follow.
Oh God send me.
(Sometimes - David Crowder Band)

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it."
Matthew 16:24-25

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."
John 8:12

It's easy to declare that I am following Christ. It's another thing to deny myself daily in order to truly follow Him. To genuinely follow Christ means to leave myself behind, move forward, and follow His lead. Leave all my insecurities, mean thoughts, guilt, selfish motives, and pride in the past. I'm taking on only the things of God. I think of how many times I fail at this, but that's the beauty of it. Every time I fail, God is there with endless grace. That is why I never have to be afraid. The risk of leaving my thoughts and ambitions behind to strive for a fruit-filled life is completely worth it when I'm sinking in an ocean of His grace everyday. 

21 Reasons

21 Reasons Why I Love This Summer...

1. No busy schedule

2. Homegrown tomatoes

3. Learning how to fish

4. Bike rides on the beach at Sullivan's Island

5. Tan lines

6. Driving windows down & sunroof open

7. Fish tacos

8. Sundresses

9. The Olympics

10. Peaches

11. Quality family time

12. Sparklers

13. Coronas (and limes)

14. Spontaneous adventures with friends

15. My summer reading list

16. Giant floppy hats

17. Outdoor meals

18. Bright blue nail polish

19. Children smothered in sunscreen

20. Shady trees

21. That peaceful easy feeling

Thank you Jesus for summer! 

my becoming season.

there is a season for wildness, 

and a season for settledness. 

this is neither. 

this is a season about becoming.

(Savannah, GA)

“Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.” Psalm 37:3

Faithfulness to God and to others is tough. It's so much easier to be faithful to myself. To do whatever I want. I have an extreme desire for independence. However, sometimes I think I distance myself from people and the Lord because faithfulness requires sacrifice. It requires giving up my own wants. It may even require giving up many of my personal and selfish desires. I want to learn to willingly sacrifice myself for the Lord and for the people He places in my life. Being faithful to others is completely dependent on the faith I place in Him.

(On the road to who knows where)

When you are running toward Christ, you are freed up to serve, love, and give thanks without guilt, worry, or fear. As long as you are running, you are safe. It's when we stop running that we find ourselves restless and gravitating toward other means of fulfillment. - Francis Chan (Crazy Love)

I want to become a long distance runner for Christ. I want to be running to him more than any other thing. Because let's be honest... it is the most freeing race to run and there is no better finish line to cross than the one into His arms.

(Charleston, SC)

“You have to stop going, doing and chasing and start spending more time being with yourself.” Dr. Robert Holden

This guy has it right. I want to become someone who knows exactly who I am. I want to know why I react to things the way I do. Why I think about things the way I do. Have you ever stopped to think about all the millions of things in your life that have shaped your unique perspective? It's pretty amazing that God gave you this extremely personalized viewpoint. He can answer all my questions... Why I thought this? Why I said that? Why I treated someone that way? While He gave us all varying perspectives, His heart is for all of our perspectives to stem from His ultimate and 100% perfect perspective. This Godly perspective can be found in the Bible and can probably be summed up in one word - LOVE. So while I want to spend more time being still it will be time spent asking the Lord how to position myself at the point where my perspective and His heart intersect. That intersection is where God stands rejoicing.

(Rainbow Row in Charleston)

‎"Prayer doesn't necessarily change things for you, But it changes you for things."

My grandmother Rachelle is a prayer warrior. She is in constant communion with the Lord, praying to Him as often as she possibly can. When she says that she is praying for me, there is no doubt in my mind that she is lifting me up to the Lord with every ounce of her being. She does this daily. I want to desire that intimate communion with God. I hope to become a prayer warrior one day. So blessed to have such an amazing role model.

(Shem Creek Marina in Charleston)

Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of its trouble, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse for impossibility; for it thinks all things lawful for itself, and all things possible. - Thomas Kempis

What if we loved God like this? What if we loved every single person we came into contact with like this? What if...

I've Been Thinking...

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” C.S. Lewis

I have trouble being still. This isn't some new revelation of mine. I have known it for quite some time. My mom says I stopped napping at two and have had endless amounts of energy ever since. That poor woman. I ran from the playground to the gym to the classroom to friend's houses to church activities... I loved being busy.

I still love being busy. That feeling of always having somewhere to be. Always having something to occupy my time. Never being bored. But being busy is not synonymous with being happy. For some reason I have always equated those in my head. The more friends I meet for coffee... the more people I connect with on Facebook... the more extracurriculars I rack up at school... the happier and more content I will be. This is a lie. A lie that I have told myself for too long.

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

I have recently been decompressing after a long few months of preparing for the MCAT. In reality, I am decompressing from a long 7 years (probably more) of rushing through life like it was a race. A race to see who can be the busiest and who can get somewhere meaningful the fastest. My efforts to do something meaningful with my life were not selfishly driven, I truly have always wanted to go into the medical field and help people, but my efforts were just that... MY efforts.

My lack of communication with the Lord is becoming very evident to me. I have had a relationship with Him since I was eight, but I have never had a relationship that involved constant communication with my Father. I somehow believed that since I love Jesus and trust that He guides my life, then He will bless whatever decisions I make based on my heart and my good intentions. How simple of me. How lazy. How selfish.

He is right beside me and I expect Him to bless my daily decisions because I tell Him that I love him occasionally and do my best to follow His commands. Why don't I turn right next to me and ask Jesus what He would do? Why don't I let Him challenge me a little? When it came down to it... Merry wanted to do what Merry wanted to do and since none of it was illegal or "ungodly" then why wouldn't God agree with me? I used this as an excuse to manage my own time and gave very little time to the Lord.

My eyes have been very opened to my selfishness, control issues, lack of trust, and inability to love like Jesus. The only way I can love like Jesus is to KNOW JESUS BETTER. 

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." Psalm 34:8

"Jesus replied, 'You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God.'" Matthew 22:29

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." Matthew 7:7-8

Thus, I am starting something new. No more excuses. I am going to delve deep into the Word. It is the ONE book of truth we have in this world. How have I not even read it cover to cover yet? I am going to talk to God like He is my best friend who is taking on the day with me. Because He is. I want to desire Him. Not fall into a habit of praying for a few minutes at night. A desire that consumes me until all I can think about is the Lord. If I focus my thoughts on His will and truly listen to Him, I believe He will show me remarkable things. He will teach me more than I can learn on my own. More than I can dream of on my own. 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

"Jesus said unto him, 'Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.'" Matthew 22:37-40

Amazing Grace

I've been reading and rereading John 9 this morning. The story of Jesus making mud out of dirt and healing a man born blind by rubbing the mud on his eyes. In the New Testament, various miracles of Jesus are described. I know most of them by heart. However, I have yet to grasp the wonder of the situation.

Jesus was an actual man. Living, breathing, eating, playing with his siblings, making jokes at the dinner table, laughing with friends, spending time with his family... You get the point. Think of this humble, gentle man doing pretty ordinary and everyday things. Now think of him walking up to a man and literally healing him. Imagine that happening today. So often I read the Bible, believe it, but forget to reflect on the awesome power of my Savior. 

The story in John 9 has some profound implications that Michael Graham does an excellent job of explaining. Way better than I am able. Here are his thoughts...

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Those words of John Newton, penned in 1772, form part of one of the most well known and well loved of Christian hymns. They also serve as an introduction to an important biblical doctrine: that of spiritual blindness and its associated doctrine of spiritual deafness.

Jesus frequently said: 'He who has ears, let him hear (Matthew 11:15).' Or, as Mark records it: 'He who has ears to hear, let him hear (Mark 4:9).' But what did he mean by that? He meant: 'He to whom God has given the ability to hear and understand spiritual truth, let him pay attention to what I am saying.'

That command is so important Jesus gave it to each of the seven churches in the Book of Revelation (Revelation 2 & 3).

An unusual healing

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?'

'Neither this man nor his parents sinned,' said Jesus, 'but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no-one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.'

Having said this, he spat on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man's eyes. 'Go,' he told him, 'wash in the Pool of Siloam' (this word means Sent). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing. (John 9:1–7)

The man whom Jesus met was blind but we're not told the cause of his blindness.

Perhaps there was something wrong with his eyes, or his optic nerves, or the section of his brain that controlled his sight. Whatever it was, a part of his body had not been formed correctly in the womb and, as a result, he'd been born blind.

Jesus usually healed people by speaking a word to them, but not on this occasion. Instead, he spat on the ground, made some mud with the saliva and put it on the man's eyes. He then told him to wash it off in a pool and, when he did so, he could see.

Why did he do that? Wasn't his word powerful enough to heal him? Of course it was. Just a little while later Jesus spoke the word and Lazarus walked out of the tomb, every atom of his dead and decayed body restored to life (John 11:38–44). Jesus healed the man in this way to illustrate a spiritual truth.

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. (Colossians 1:15–16)

Paul tells us that everything that exists was created by Jesus Christ and for Jesus Christ. That means that this man was standing in front of the creator of the universe. Think about that.

And, as God originally formed man from the dust of the earth (Genesis 2:7), so Jesus made mud from the dust of the earth and placed it on the man's eyes. Jesus, the creator, completed the formation of the man's body.

Initially, when the disciples saw the man who had been blind from birth they asked Jesus who had sinned, himself or his parents. Jesus said that no one had sinned, but he'd been born that way so that God's work could be demonstrated in his life—that God is the one who gives man physical and spiritual sight.

Power in prayer

When the Pharisees heard that the man had been healed on the Sabbath they questioned him about it and, in reply, he said:

'Now that is remarkable! You don't know where he comes from, yet he opened my eyes. We know that God does not listen to sinners. He listens to the godly man who does his will. Nobody has ever heard of opening the eyes of a man born blind. If this man were not from God, he could do nothing.' (John 9:30–33)

While answering their questions the man drew attention to a truth we need to remember: that God does not listen to sinners. That is as true for Christians as for anyone else.

The psalmist wrote:

If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer (Psalm 66:18–19).

James says that the prayer of a righteous man (a man who does what is right in the sight of God) is powerful and effective, and that is particularly so in the realm of healing (James 5:13–16).

Peter tells us that if a husband doesn't treat his wife correctly, his prayers will be hindered (1 Peter 3:7). The Greek word used means 'to cut off', or 'to cut down'.

Not treating our wives with consideration and respect (which is only one instance of sin) can cause our prayers to be ignored by God. Why? Because he doesn't listen to sinners.

If Christians want power in prayer they must make sure there's no sin in their lives, and that they're walking in obedience to God (1 John 3:21–22).

Born blind and deaf

The man who had been healed said that no one had heard of opening the eyes of a man born blind. That was perfectly true; no human being can do that. However, his healing had spiritual significance because everyone on the face of the earth has been born blind—spiritually blind—and only God, our creator, can open our eyes so we can see.

The same is true with respect to spiritual deafness. All of us are born spiritually deaf—we lack the ability to hear and understand spiritual truth—and only God, our creator, can remedy that.

When John Newton said that once he had been blind but now he could see, he wasn't referring to physical blindness.

John Newton had never been physically blind, he was referring to spiritual blindness: the inability to see and understand spiritual truth—especially the truth that he was a sinner, and that Jesus Christ had died for his sins.

Jesus spoke about spiritual blindness after healing the man.

Jesus heard that they had thrown him out, and when he found him, he said, 'Do you believe in the Son of Man?' 'Who is he, sir?' the man asked. 'Tell me so that I may believe in him.'

Jesus said, 'You have now seen him; in fact, he is the one speaking with you.' Then the man said, 'Lord, I believe,' and he worshipped him. (John 9:35–38)

By the grace of God this man could now see Jesus physically and spiritually. He understood who Jesus was and he worshipped him.

Jesus said, 'For judgment I have come into this world, so that the blind will see and those who see will become blind. (John 9:39)

Was Jesus talking about physical blindness, or spiritual blindness? He was talking about spiritual blindness because, even though he gave physical sight to many during his earthly ministry, he didn't remove physical sight from anyone. Jesus came into the world to open the eyes of the spiritually blind, and to blind the eyes of those who claimed they could see spiritually.

Spiritual pride

Some Pharisees who were with him heard him say this and asked, 'What? Are we blind too?' Jesus said, 'If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains.' (John 9:40–41)

This is a difficult passage to understand but let's look at it logically, bearing in mind that Jesus was talking about spiritual blindness. Jesus is not saying that people who are physically blind are innocent of sin, as if God overlooks their sin because of their disability. The Bible teaches that everyone will be held accountable for their sin (Romans 3:9–19), and that includes blind people as well, who are as capable of sinning as anyone else.

Neither is he saying that spiritually blind people are innocent of sin. If that was the case, then the majority of people in the world would be innocent before God.

Jesus was not speaking about sin in general but about the sin of spiritual pride. (He made similar statements in John 15:22–25, where he was referring to the sin of hating him.) Those who were spiritually blind and did not claim to understand spiritual truth were not guilty of the sin of spiritual pride, but those who were spiritually blind and yet claimed to be spiritual leaders were guilty, and Jesus said that their guilt would remain.

Blind guides

Jesus directed most of his rebukes at the spiritual leaders of his day.

'Woe to you, blind guides! You say, "If anyone swears by the temple, it means nothing; but if anyone swears by the gold of the temple, he is bound by his oath." You blind fools! Which is greater, the gold, or the temple that makes the gold sacred? You also say, "If anyone swears by the altar, it means nothing; but if anyone swears by the gift on it, he is bound by his oath." You blind men! Which is greater: the gift, or the altar that makes the gift sacred?' (Matthew 23:16–19)

Those leaders were not physically blind, they were spiritually blind, and yet they claimed to be spiritual leaders in Israel.

Then the disciples came to him and asked, 'Do you know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this?' He replied, 'Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be pulled up by the roots. Leave them; they are blind guides. If a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into a pit.' (Matthew 15:12–14)

That final statement is true both physically and spiritually. The pit that spiritually blind people fall into is the pit (or abyss) of hell. Man can only understand spiritual truth as the Holy Spirit gives him understanding (2 Corinthians 2:14), so any spiritual leader who is not born again (i.e. not indwelt by the Spirit of God) is a blind guide. If a spiritually blind man leads a spiritually blind man, both will fall into the pit.

God has deadened their hearts

So, who is to blame for man's spiritual blindness and deafness? Man is to blame, entirely.

God created man to have fellowship with him. When man was created he had full and free communion with God, but when he sinned that relationship was broken. Since then, man has only been able to hear the voice of God as God has enabled him to hear it.

The Bible says that:

The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. (2 Corinthians 4:4)

Paul states that Satan (the god of this age) blinds people's minds so they cannot understand the gospel, but look at what John's Gospel says:

Even after Jesus had done all these miraculous signs in their presence, they still would not believe in him. This was to fulfil the word of Isaiah the prophet: 'Lord, who has believed our message and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?' (John 12:37–38)

Even though Jesus did many outstanding miracles in the sight of the people the majority would not believe in him. That had been predicted by Isaiah seven hundred years previously (Isaiah 53:1), but why did it happen? The next verses tell us:

For this reason they could not believe, because, as Isaiah says elsewhere: 'He has blinded their eyes and deadened their hearts, so they can neither see with their eyes, nor understand with their hearts, nor turn—and I would heal them.' (John 12:39–40)

The people would not believe in Jesus because they couldn't believe in him. And the reason they couldn't believe in him was because someone had blinded their eyes and deadened their hearts. Who was that person?

The clue to this mystery is found in the meaning of the Greek word translated 'deadened'. The word is poroo which means 'to harden', or 'to make hard like a stone'. So those verses could be translated as: He has blinded their eyes and hardened their hearts so they cannot turn and believe.

Paul speaks about the hardening of people's hearts in his letter to the Romans:

What then? What Israel sought so earnestly it did not obtain, but the elect did. The others were hardened [poroo], as it is written: 'God gave them a spirit of stupor, eyes so that they could not see and ears so that they could not hear, to this very day.' (Romans 11:7–8)

Paul tells us that God hardened the hearts of his people and made them spiritually blind and spiritually deaf so they could not believe in his Son. But he didn't do that to the elect (those he had chosen to save).

God's sovereign choice

It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. For the Scripture says to Pharaoh: 'I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.' Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden. (Romans 9:16–18)

The Book of Exodus tells us that God hardened Pharaoh's heart so that his will for Pharaoh would come to pass—that his firstborn son would be killed (Exodus 4:21–23) and that he would perish under his wrath (Exodus 14:26–28). If you read the first fourteen chapters of Exodus, you will find that Pharaoh could not resist God's will.

At one point he summoned Moses and Aaron and told them that he had sinned against them, and against the Lord, by not letting the Israelites go. He asked for their forgiveness and told them to pray to the Lord for him so that the deadly plague would be removed. Moses did so, but the Word says that the Lord again hardened Pharaoh's heart so that he would not let the people go (Exodus 10:16–20). Pharaoh wanted to be saved from God's wrath but he couldn't because salvation does not depend upon man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy (Romans 9:16–17).

Unfortunately Pharaoh was not an object of God's mercy, prepared in advance for glory (Romans 9:23–24), but of his wrath, prepared for destruction (Romans 9:22). Moreover, he was a Gentile, which means that God hardens the hearts of both Jews and Gentiles in accordance with his will.

That has led some to ask: 'But if God hardens people's hearts so that they cannot repent, then why does he still blame us for our sin?' The answer is: 'But who are you, O man, to talk back to God (Romans 9:20)?'

Who are we to question God's dealings with man? The fact is that everyone is a sinner from birth and deserves nothing more than the flames of hell, but God has seen fit to save some through the sacrifice of his Son, and we should be grateful for that.

Not all mankind will perish in their sin as Pharaoh did: some will come to eternal life. Even as Noah saved his family (small in number) from God's wrath through his righteousness (Genesis 6:8–9), so shall the children of God (small in number, Matthew 7:14) be saved from God's wrath through the righteousness of Christ.

The Bible teaches that Satan blinds the minds of unbelievers so they cannot understand the gospel, and God makes them spiritually blind and spiritually deaf so they cannot turn and believe.

And, as God is sovereign on earth and Satan is a created being who is subject to his will, God allows Satan to blind people's minds so that his purpose in election (his choice of those he saves) will stand (Romans 9:10–13).

Man's salvation is entirely in the hands of God. Only God can soften men's hearts and give them ears that hear and eyes that see so they can respond to the gospel of his Son. And that, as John Newton tells us, is a result of his grace.

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Ears that hear and eyes that see—the Lord has made them both. (Proverbs 20:12)

Michael Graham
December 2005

To whom shall I go?

To whom shall I go?

Sometimes I get rebellious. Other times I get curious. But usually I just get lazy. I start spending less time with my Father and more time with my friends. I begin tweeting more Bible verses than genuinely praying. I push the limits or justify my actions to my closest friends. I put off what should be my first priority for trivial and superficial things. When this happens, when I forget my reason for living, my life gets confusing and lonely.


In those moments of confusion and loneliness, I begin to think back on my past thoughts and my actions. I realize that at some point I had decided to make my own decisions without consulting my Leader. I had chosen to close off my heart to His guidance in order to quicken a decision or to get what I wanted at a particular moment. I decided to listen to my sinful heart instead of the heart of the Holy One. I also realize that it has happened before so many times. Shouldn't I get it by now?


The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9


I imagine the Lord waving his hands in front of my face saying, "Hey, why don't you ask me what you should do? I love you and will lead you to a life of true joy and fulfillment."


I know with all my heart that the Lord Jesus Christ is the Savior. Nobody and nothing will satisfy me like He can. I can't trust myself or my heart. I will wander again, though I will never be lost. I have nowhere else to run but into His arms. 


So why is it so difficult for me to spend time with Him? Why can I sit in front of the TV for an hour but can't read more than a few passages in the Bible before my mind wanders? When I know God loves me just as much as He loves Jesus, why do I go days without declaring my love for Him? How do I not stand in awe at His feet everyday?


To whom shall I go Lord but to You? I want to seek you constantly and passionately. I praise you for your patient mercy and everlasting grace.

"Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God." John 6:68

Recap: Adventures in China

China. What comes to mind when you think of China? The 2008 Olympics. The Great Wall. White rice. Crowds. Booming businesses. If you think of these things you would be correct yet quite drastically incorrect. My mother and I traveled with a team to set up medical clinics in rural villages in the Gansu province. We met some amazing people and spread some selfless love. China is unlike anything I've ever experienced. I was not allowed to access Facebook or Twitter while there and I am fairly certain my internet usage was being watched. Now that I can share my daily thoughts from the trip I will.

Longest “Day” of My Life – June 8-10

Friday morning. 4am. The parents and I leave for Atlanta’s new international airport. It looked like a club… too bad I didn’t feel like raging at 5 in the morning. Of course, the employees were just as inefficient as always. Even with a mere 5 people in the entire building, they still managed to take well over 10 minutes to get our boarding passes ready. Then, we went through security and found out the chandelier in the lobby of the airport was $400,000. Totally worth Georgia's tax dollars. Mom and I had a blast people watching in the wee hours of the morning… we saw everything from sister wives to the hairy belly of a 500-pound man.

Upon arrival to Toronto, we hit up Starbucks immediately and then got omelettes. Delicious. Canada really wasn’t so bad. I don’t know why I was expecting Canadians to be weird, but they were all super friendly. We met up with some of the members of the mission team and the boarded the plane. Little did we know that these would be our last steps of freedom for over 24 hours.

I had big ambitions to read Mountains Beyond Mountains on the flight. I was confident I could knock it out in 12 hours. However, I kept watching movie after mindless movie and pretty soon my brain turned to mush and I had no desire to read anything. I just wanted to sit there. Well sit there I did… our plane flew to another airport due to Beijing’s airport closing due to a “still mysterious and we’re not sure if it even happened” storm… we sat on that runway for 12 more hours (yes that makes 24 so far)… and then after much uprising, almost starving, and a near mutiny, we took off and arrived in Beijing just in time to make our connecting flight that next day!

After we arrive to Lanzhou, we hop on a bus to drive 4 more hours to Huining. We unload, organize, and pack all the medical supplies at the orphanage while the doctors looked at some of the orphans. I watched my mom with a young girl who had severe facial dysplasia and a large growth on her ear. The medical diagnosis was that her mandible did not fully develop and thus her jaw didn’t connect correctly on one side. However, the next step would be to send her to an ENT, get her surgery, and have her meet with a speech therapist for a long time. All of that costs money. Money that her foster parents don’t possess. So many of the children have syndromes and problems that we as a medical team cannot resolve. It is discouraging, yet we have to focus on the people who we can help.

The hotel makes me laugh. The entrance is in an alley in town. There are American toilets. Thank goodness we don’t have to use squatties! The beds are nice. No bed bugs… the mattress is actually still covered in plastic. Super comfortable. The shower and the toilet are on top of each other. Very efficient if I do say so myself. Can’t drink the water… so we brush our teeth in the bedroom just so we don’t forget We’re not supposed to put paper down the toilet. Struggle.

My feet have been super swollen ever since the last airplane ride. It’s kinda a problem. Sweet Safina gave me a leg massage that helped take down some of the swelling. It was glorious. When I finally put my feet up and laid down I was out. Never fallen asleep that fast before in my life.

Monday. June 11. Asians eat weird things.

7am breakfast. Thank you Starbucks Via for saving my life. Dale led us in devotion out of Joshua 6 this morning. He compared how God’s people defeating Jericho is like our mission in Huining this week. We sang songs in both English and Mandarin and I praised God for his greatness and authority over all languages and all nations on earth.

We arrived at the clinic, prayed, and got to work. Jessie, Amelia, and I worked registration together. Jessie took down names. Amelia took temperature. I took blood pressure. Once we got in the grove, we had to slow ourselves down because we were overwhelming the nurses with patients. I laughed every time Amelia tried to explain how to put their tongue over the thermometer and they had no clue what she meant. Some would curl them or stick them out as long as they possibly could. My favorite was when one woman took the thermometer stick and laid it horizontal on top of her bottom teeth.

The people are so sweet. I learned to smile with my eyes because they could not see my mouth under the mask. Some of the older people would just stare at me like I was an alien, while the kids would try to talk with me and get my attention. We saw 285 patients today. We were expected to see more, but we needed double translators, which takes sufficient time. Native language to Mandarin. Mandarin to English. English back to Mandarin. Mandarin back to their native language. Super time consuming. My mom said she didn’t feel like she was doing much sometimes, especially when it took about 5 minutes to understand where the patient hurt.

Registration is the first station to close, so we were able to play with the kids for a while. I learned how to play rock, paper, scissors the Chinese way. That was fun. A sweet little girl and I made up a game with two pencils and a matchbox car. The children are so fun and are probably some of the cutest I’ve ever seen. Goodness, I love baby Asians.

I’ve already become good friends with a few girls from Korea, Scotland, and Singapore. They make me laugh and already make fun of me… proof that we really are friends. They have taught me about new foods and showed me the correct way to handle chopsticks. Juehn, my Korean friend, brought a Korean dish from home called Kimchi… It’d be more appropriate to call it super spicy and slimy cabbage. Boy, do Asians love their slimy foods. There were noodles that literally had the texture of gummy bears yet they were eaten with meat and a spicy sauce… It made me uncomfortable. They tried to convince me that if I ate the head of the chicken then I would be smarter. Apparently, many Chinese believe that… but I didn’t fall for it. Crazy girls were trying to make me eat a chicken brain! I was also introduced to Chinese beer tonight and it was actually good… better than a lot of beer I’ve tried back home.

My prayer for tomorrow is for mom to feel like God is using her in big ways. For Nikki’s heart to be softened. I would love to experience a miracle this week that can only be explained by God. I pray for Jessica, Jueun, Jessie and Amelia. Guide me and give me patience with everyone. Lord, help me to see every single person the way you see them. Help me to love the way you love.

Tuesday. June 12. I can say vagina in Chinese.

Yep. I shadowed the gynecologist today. That was an experience. I’ve never been to one in the states, so let’s just say it was eye opening. So many of the people in the village want to see the gynecologist. Many of them are shy when he asks to do a pelvic exam, so it makes me wonder if a lot of them have never had their special parts checked out. Might not be a big deal if you’re a 25 year old rockin’ and rollin’, but when you’re 60 with 7 crazy kids and have never been looked at… that’s a problem. We had quite a few of those today.

In the morning, Amelia, Jessie, and I worked registration again. Blood pressures are surprisingly high. It probably has something to do with all the salt in their diets and a particular predisposition. Many of them are already on blood pressure medications and have doctors. I expected most of the people to be doctorless, but sadly, many people come to the clinic because they want free drugs and think Americans have miracle pills. It’s a little discouraging when healthy people come in complaining of back pain and nothing else is wrong, but when we try to send them away without meds they make up another symptom. My mom’s favorite is when a patient says she has as constant cough, but doesn’t cough the entire time that she is at the clinic.

I enjoyed learning all about Singapore today from Amelia. My mom and I learned that Hong Kong used to be a country, but is now a city/province in China. I learned about gastritis and trich. I learned how to say, “What is your name?” in Chinese, and finally children are starting to talk to me. I learned about acupuncture. Even though that needle is small it still hurts something fierce. 

This is the second day in a row that I went the entire day at the clinic without using the crapper. Let me explain the crapper... two holes in the ground where crap piles up until someone decides to burn it. I went with my mom after lunch and even put peppermint oil under my nose and still couldn’t do it. I walked in, almost vomited, and walked back out. My mom is scared that I’ll get a UTI. I’ll take a UTI over the crapper any day.

Wednesday. June 13. So many children.

Yesterday and this morning I prayed for my mom to see some children. I doubted that she’d see more than a couple, so every time I saw one I’d have them jump the line to see my mom right away. I could tell she enjoyed seeing them and was in her element. By lunchtime, she had seen around 5 or so and I thought that was great, but she wouldn’t see many more. So, instead of corralling children to her I just stayed with her in her room while she examined people. Somehow, without my help, children kept appearing. Who knew that God could do things without Merry Teague? My mom found one undescended testis and scheduled him for surgery tomorrow. She also discovered a hernia in another kid, which will also be fixed tomorrow in surgery. She was superwoman today. I keep praising God and praying for him to do something else big like that.

Rewind to last night. I woke up from a late nap around 9 and could not open my eyes. My eyelids literally refused to open. Apparently, they were angry at all this dry weather and dust. My tears burned and it took a while for the eye drops to work. Finally, I fell asleep.

This morning I ate a banana, Luna bar, and coffee. Trying to stick with American foods. For lunch, I had a noodle bowl with mom… full of sodium, but oh so delicious. Then for dinner I had all kinds of Chinese food soooo I’ll probably be in some pain tonight. Can’t wait.

After dinner, mom and I walked the streets outside of the hotel and shopped. Everyone wanted to talk to us, practice their very limited English, or take pictures with us. They were less interested in selling their goods than just looking at us. Mom got a fun pair of shoes. I got a tank top. We both got some candy. Successful trip.

Thursday. June 14. Best Day Ever.

This morning we woke up earlier than usual to walk to the town square. We arrive there a little after 6 and it’s packed with people exercising. Some were dancing, playing on adult jungle gyms, walking the track backwards, hula hooping, jump roping, and even practicing with swords. The community comes together every morning to see one another and exercise. That would NEVER happen in the States! Amelia and I hopped in and danced with a group of women. It was difficult to learn all of the dance moves, but it was funny to try. After dancing, Dr. Heaton bought us all rolls on the street that were delicious.

After returning to the hotel, Er Mauw inspired us with his heart for the Lord and the lost people of this world. I left breakfast encouraged and ready for the long day ahead. I figured it'd be a pretty challenging day considering I'd be performing surgery... why no I am not a certified surgeon. So glad you asked. 

So picture a hospital in a horror movie and you'll be seeing the hospital I went to today. Dirty walls. Old equipment. Inadequate hospital personnel. It didn't even seem like a hospital. We were given one OR room to work in and were allowed to schedule our own appointments. Thus, I was able to help with the surgeries of two little boys that my mom saw yesterday.

Dr. Tony is by far one of the coolest surgeons I've ever met. We saw children with everything from hernias to clef lip palates. He taught me how to suture and how to remove a hydrocele. He let me do a lot and I am so grateful for the experience. My first time suturing was hilarious. I was all scrunched up and hunched over the table. Embarrassing. I should have worked on my surgeon stance beforehand.

While I was removing a boy's hydrocele, Tony told me to pop it. I fervently said no and he laughed at me. I don't think people tell him no very often. He then told me again to pop it. So I did. Boy, did I pop it. Fluid started shooting out immediately. It looked like he was peeing all over the table. I freaked out. All Tony and Ces could do was laugh hysterically at me and my ridiculous reaction to the whole thing.

I'll admit it was hilarious and my face is indeed captured in a photo. Thank you Ces. However, what isn't so funny is what happened after the surgery. Like every other surgery, I took off my surgical gown and gloves and threw them in the garbage. Not ten seconds later, a woman on staff at the hospital goes into the trash can, picks up the soiled gown, folds it, and places it neatly on a shelf in the OR. I was speechless. Did she not see that the entire gown is covered in that boy's hydrocele fluid? She knows. She just doesn't care. This is what I learned of the hospital. They let us use their OR, but they want our resources. They want our gowns and masks and gauze. No matter how dirty or contaminated they are. Our gowns are better than their gowns, so they want ours. Period. Even when our gowns have a boy's hydrocele fluid all over them. I also found out that they don't even bother to wash blood off surgical utensils before disinfecting them. All I can think about is the lives undoubtedly lost due to simple mistakes made by staff who know better.

I bet Tony that he couldn't remove a hernia in less than 10 minutes. 9 minutes 11 seconds. From start to finish it took him 9 minutes and 11 seconds. Bravo. I owe him so many lunches it's kind of ridiculous. Our last patient was an older woman who needed two lumps removed. One in her abdomen and one in her hip. Tony left most of the surgery up to Hilda and me. Which was crazy. After we closed her up, we were laughing and excited about ending the day early and then the woman wakes up and starts laughing with us. She definitely can't understand us, but she hears laughter and even in her pain laughs too. It touched my heart. Proof that happiness is contagious no matter what the circumstance.

After leaving the hospital and checking on a couple patients who had surgeries yesterday, we took a journey downtown to the market. Walking the streets was unreal. Bicycles everywhere. Fruits and vegetables galore. I found some colorful rings made out of glass that I bought. I shared one with Jueun when I got back to the hotel. Amelia tells me that glass rings are what the Chinese elderly wear. I think that's awesome. I have the same fashion sense as old Chinese women. Winning. 

Dinner was memorable because I was introduced to a numbing spice. Like you can't feel your tongue after you eat it. Peter says it's illegal in the States. So naturally, he got me some to take home. That's right. Don't get on my bad side or you might not feel your tongue for days.

Friday-Saturday. June 15-16. New Village. New Shoes. New Friends.

I no longer have the energy to write full paragraphs. My apologies. We lifted up some beautiful worship to the Lord this morning. Singing praises to God in many languages makes me feel so incredibly small. Because God is so incredibly big. Big enough to be the God of countless languages and people groups.

The trip to this new village was full of rocky roads, many turns, and mountains full of farmers. Everyday, mom had lines outside her door. Children were eager to see a pediatrician. That's where I met her. I still can't pronounce her name. Even my friends who speak Chinese say it's a difficult name. Ten years old, but she looks about 5 due to her disease. The disease we are not sure of, but it seems to be leprosy. She was weak, shy, and embarrassed of the wounds all over her body. 

It wasn't until the last day at her village that our spirits met. I don't know how else to describe it. The pain she has suffered is tremendous. But her spirit is so much stronger than her suffering. We walked around hand in hand for almost an hour. For some reason I was compelled to tell her she was beautiful. I kept repeating that in her native language while holding her hands and looking into her eyes. Over and over again as we walked I told her how beautiful she was until I finally think she believed it. She clearly is considered an outsider and the village does not associate with her due to her disease. People kept stopping me and pointing at her skin. Clearly questioning why I was holding her hand. I just smiled and told them that she was beautiful. Then we kept right on walking. What's worse than her physical pain is her emotional pain. How often do I take for granted my dad telling me I'm beautiful. How often do I take for granted that the Lord is enthralled by my beauty. How would it feel if I was never told I was beautiful? If I thought nobody believed me to be beautiful? My heart aches for her. But I trust that the Lord is loving on her in His own way. I have to trust that. I talked with Peter and he says that Dale has received some medicines for her, but now the problem is getting them to her remote village. God can do it.

There was a young girl who couldn’t walk. She had extremely tight muscles. Carol worked with her and taught her how to play hopscotch with her sister. Mom decided to buy her new pink shoes because she had grown out of the boots she was wearing years ago. My mom also gave her the socks she was wearing. Standing in the shoe store, seeing the smile on her face as she modeled her pink shoes, it was too cool.

I watched my mom touching these dirty children without gloves and I found myself worrying and wanting her to put on gloves. If I want to become a doctor I have to be comfortable with touching dirty and sick patients. I know this is obvious, but it really hit me today that medicine is messy. I need to learn to deal with messy. Jesus walks with me in my messiness everyday. I'm just trying to walk with these people for a couple days.

As we were leaving on the last day, I had a moment with a sweet older woman with bound feet. She liked to talk. Regardless of the fact that I had no idea what she was saying. We sat on a bench outside for a while as she talked to me and held my hands. I like to think she was telling me about her long life and the many years she spent farming with bound feet. I pretended that she was sharing all her wisdom with me. In my mind, she was remarkable.

Sunday-Wednesday. June 17-20. Xi'an & Beijing. On the 7th day He rested.

Xi'an and Beijing were fun. Besides the fact that both my mom and I got sick. My mom in Xi'an and me in Beijing. We saw the Terracotta Warriors in all their glory. Got an epic work out walking the Great Wall. Bought some fabulous jade and pearl earrings. Ate a lot of Starbucks and Subway. American food rules. Became great friends and pen pals with Amelia and Jessica. Finally got to relax and spend some sweet time with my mama.

Now I don't even want to talk about the journey back home. It involves spending the night in the Ottawa airport and getting more angry than I've been in a very long time. Praise the Lord for His grace and patience with me. So thankful for the opportunity to serve His people and experience extreme personal growth simultaneously. Praise the Lord for what He has planned for China.

5 You answer us with awesome and righteous deeds,

God our Savior,

the hope of all the ends of the earth

and of the farthest seas,

6 who formed the mountains by your power,

having armed yourself with strength,

7 who stilled the roaring of the seas,

the roaring of their waves,

and the turmoil of the nations.

8 The whole earth is filled with awe at your wonders;

where morning dawns, where evening fades,

you call forth songs of joy.

Psalm 65:5-8