I've Been Thinking...

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” C.S. Lewis

I have trouble being still. This isn't some new revelation of mine. I have known it for quite some time. My mom says I stopped napping at two and have had endless amounts of energy ever since. That poor woman. I ran from the playground to the gym to the classroom to friend's houses to church activities... I loved being busy.

I still love being busy. That feeling of always having somewhere to be. Always having something to occupy my time. Never being bored. But being busy is not synonymous with being happy. For some reason I have always equated those in my head. The more friends I meet for coffee... the more people I connect with on Facebook... the more extracurriculars I rack up at school... the happier and more content I will be. This is a lie. A lie that I have told myself for too long.

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

I have recently been decompressing after a long few months of preparing for the MCAT. In reality, I am decompressing from a long 7 years (probably more) of rushing through life like it was a race. A race to see who can be the busiest and who can get somewhere meaningful the fastest. My efforts to do something meaningful with my life were not selfishly driven, I truly have always wanted to go into the medical field and help people, but my efforts were just that... MY efforts.

My lack of communication with the Lord is becoming very evident to me. I have had a relationship with Him since I was eight, but I have never had a relationship that involved constant communication with my Father. I somehow believed that since I love Jesus and trust that He guides my life, then He will bless whatever decisions I make based on my heart and my good intentions. How simple of me. How lazy. How selfish.

He is right beside me and I expect Him to bless my daily decisions because I tell Him that I love him occasionally and do my best to follow His commands. Why don't I turn right next to me and ask Jesus what He would do? Why don't I let Him challenge me a little? When it came down to it... Merry wanted to do what Merry wanted to do and since none of it was illegal or "ungodly" then why wouldn't God agree with me? I used this as an excuse to manage my own time and gave very little time to the Lord.

My eyes have been very opened to my selfishness, control issues, lack of trust, and inability to love like Jesus. The only way I can love like Jesus is to KNOW JESUS BETTER. 

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." Psalm 34:8

"Jesus replied, 'You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God.'" Matthew 22:29

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." Matthew 7:7-8

Thus, I am starting something new. No more excuses. I am going to delve deep into the Word. It is the ONE book of truth we have in this world. How have I not even read it cover to cover yet? I am going to talk to God like He is my best friend who is taking on the day with me. Because He is. I want to desire Him. Not fall into a habit of praying for a few minutes at night. A desire that consumes me until all I can think about is the Lord. If I focus my thoughts on His will and truly listen to Him, I believe He will show me remarkable things. He will teach me more than I can learn on my own. More than I can dream of on my own. 

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

"Jesus said unto him, 'Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.'" Matthew 22:37-40